The Faceless Void

Dahlia, 17. Malaysia.

10ThousandLives is a collection of real stories from real people, all over the world. Different places, different lives but the same fundamental search for meaning, belonging and connection.

These are the moments that shape us: the quiet mornings, the leaps of faith, the fears we don’t say out loud. No filter, no embellishment. Just life, as it’s lived.

Because no matter where we are, our stories aren’t so different after all.

Dahlia, 17. Malaysia.

My mind never stops. It spins in endless loops, thoughts piling on top of thoughts, too fast, too much. I write them down - diaries, notes, little fragments tucked away where no one else can see. Not because I don’t want to be heard, but because I don’t want to burden anyone. It’s easier this way.

People exhaust me. As much as I want to like them, I don’t. Or maybe I just don’t know how. I have substitutes, ways to fill the space where connection should be. I write fanfiction about characters that feel more real to me than anyone I know. I get lost in old games, where I can make choices that actually mean something. I talk to online friends, some close, some distant, but none of them really there. I fall into mindless scrolling, watching YouTube Shorts even though I don’t enjoy them. And then there’s the part I hate the most, the part I don’t say out loud. I turn to pornography. Much more than I want to. It makes me feel small, shallow, like something less than human. But I do it anyway.

In real life, I’m the quiet Muslim girl. The one people call ‘innocent’, ‘clueless’. They say I seem sweet, that I don’t look like someone who thinks about the things I think about. But nobody knows me. Not really. Nobody knows what I dream of, what I actually believe, what I fear when I close my eyes at night. Everything that matters stays hidden. It has to.

And that can get lonely.

But my life isn’t bad. I focus too much on the negative, I notice that when I write, how I pick at the sadness first. But there are good things, too.

I’m just back from vacation. I rode a horse. I swam in a river. I sat on a quiet beach with my family, where the currents were too strong for most people, so it felt like we had the whole world to ourselves. A moment of peace, where I existed without thinking too much about it.

But that’s over now. School starts Monday. Back to routine. Back to expectations. Just pray for me to survive.

There aren’t two sides to me. There are thousands. A mask for every situation, for every person, for every version of myself that exists in someone else’s mind. With some people, I sound serious. With others, I’m cheerful, adding emojis to every sentence. My opinions shift depending on who I’m with, so much so that sometimes I don’t even know what I actually think. I call myself a faceless void, because that’s how it feels, like I’m something without shape, constantly moulding into whatever is needed at the moment.

I struggle with the idea of being human. I say I’m Muslim because I have to, but I stopped believing in my religion when I was a child. If I spoke that truth out loud, I’d be persecuted. So I don’t.

I look in the mirror and don’t recognise what I see. The nose, the hair, the hands, the blood - this body is supposed to be me, but the fact that I even have a body terrifies me. That it can break. That it can turn against itself. That it can just… stop.

I fear being human.

I fear being me.

I fear being.

I fear.

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10ThousandLives is curated by Liam - a writer, listener, and collector of stories. It is a collection of real stories, shaped from conversations with people across the world. I listen, ask questions, and piece together their words into something true, something that feels like stepping into their life, even if just for a moment. If you have a story to share, I’d love to hear it.